My mind wanders here

Words of The Wee Me

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The why
My mind wanders here
the_wee_me
So I've mentioned here that I struggle with depression. I do, though I've never been formally diagnosed as such. That's something I just deal with, sometimes I don't even notice until I'm way in a hole.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Last year I had cause to be depressed, one that I could actually pinpoint for once. I was already in a slump. Then we found out my sister was pregnant, conceived on January 1st (frankly I could have done without knowing that about my sister's sex life, but she's always been an over-sharer in that regard- I nearly jumped out of a car at a stop light once to make her stop, but I digress...)  I was not happy at first, more about the fact that they couldn't afford another child than the child itself, but I came around. Her oldest son was fifteen and her youngest was three, she wasn't working much and her husband didn't have a real job (don't get me started on his business, just... let's not.) I started to care though and we rallied like we always do.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Then she went in around March or April and they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat anymore.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              I felt awful. I had been less than enthusiastic to start with and now the baby was gone. My mother was a wreck, my sister was a wreck, and I felt so very guilty. I won't go into how angry I was, and still am, about how my brother-in-law acted during that time, except to say that I hope someday he gets some of it back. My sister had to go in and have the procedure to have the tissue removed, though they'd considered having her carry it. I think she would have had a break of some kind if they had, and I would have hurt someone. .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I did my best to take care of everyone. I kept my youngest nephew for my sister. I hid all the baby stuff my mother had accumulated in my room because it made her cry. I did what I could to comfort them. I don't know that I ever dealt with my feelings on the matter because I still feel a step removed from them, but I'm better now, I think. I couldn't even tell my friends for months and I'm still not in regular contact with anyone because of the whole depression thing. .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                My sister got a job while she was pregnant, an evening shift temp thing with the IRS, then when that was over she got her current job with the local fire department as the secretary/admin whatsit. My brother-in-law was supposed to get rid of his (failing, failing for years, so failing) a/c business when he got his current job, as a maintenance dude at the local university, and sell off all five of the work trucks and other crap he wasn't using. He did not. He sold two (for way less than he paid, way less than they could have gotten if he'd listen), gave one to my oldest nephew, and still has two. He did get rid of his rented office, but he did not get rid of all the crap which is still in their garage and I would sell behind his back if I were my sister. (If I were my sister I wouldn't have married him, or I'd be a divorcee/widow right now. Anywho.) He still does side work in the afternoons, on weekends, or will take off time from his real job (guess who disapproves? all of the women in my family pretty much). .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                It's not great for me, but I'm not as depressed and my sister is actually paying me to keep my youngest nephew fifty or so hours a week. Less than minimum wage, but it's better than she's done in the past. That's besides the point. The point is that we're okay and I thought I was getting back to myself. I've been writing, nothing ready to post but still, and I've been easing back into my online presence. .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                But my sister is pregnant again. A little girl. Due in December, a couple days after my birthday. Probably she'll come closer to Thanksgiving, if she's anything like the two boys. .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                We held off telling anyone for months. She told some people in July, but this is the first time I'm talking about it outside of family. We didn't want to jinx it. I still feel anxious as hell putting it out there. I haven't mentioned it to any of my friends. I'm putting it here, where no one is likely to read it, to get myself accustomed to the idea. Trying to convince myself that nothing bad will happen if I do. She's at a point where even if she went into labor now there would be an 80something percent chance that the baby would be fine.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Come December, if all goes according to plan, I will be having at least a few days a week where I will be in charge of a four year old boy and a newborn girl. I haven't ever taken care of a girl baby. That's not helping with the anxiety. In fact I'm going to stop here for now, because this is anxiety enducing enough that I feel a little ill. Besides I think this is enough for now.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Sorry for dumping all this out here so weird and disjointed.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

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